On Choosing One's Behavior

Barry Kort

Copyright 1985

On Telling Others What to Do

I don't like it when others tell me what to do (because I prefer to choose my own behavior), so I shouldn't tell others what to do. That means that telling others what to do is not a courteous way to treat them. But it's OK with me if someone says, "Would you mind/like to/care to/consider doing such-and-such," because then they are just inquiring into my preferences (feelings) about doing such-and-such, and if I do feel like it, I can make myself and the other person feel good, by voluntarily choosing to do such-and-such. Similarly, it's OK by me if someone says, "I prefer/would appreciate it if you would do such-and-such," because then they are just telling me about their preferences (feelings) I can again choose a more accommodating behavior (which makes both of us feel good).

On Telling Others What to Think

I don't like it when others tell me what to think (because I prefer to think my own thoughts), so I shouldn't tell others what to think. That means that telling others what to think is not a courteous thing to do. But it's OK with me if someone says, "What do you think about [this idea]," or, "Do you prefer [this idea] to [that idea]," because then they are inquiring into my preferences (feelings) about various ideas, and if I do feel like it, I can choose to adopt a new idea. On the other hand, there may be times when the other person is dying to know what I think. So if I'm not sure, I should first ask if they are interested in some input from me.

On Criticism

I don't like it when someone criticizes my very best work in a slanderous way, so I shouldn't criticize the very best work of others. So it's not courteous to be overly critical. But it's OK with me if someone says, "I would have liked it more if you would have ...," or "I was a little bothered by a few things in your work, which I feel can be (easily) improved." This helps me grow, provided the growth increment is reasonable for me (not too small and not too large). My experience here is that criticism can be very beneficial if the critic is knowledgeable about both the subject and the individual. In other words, the critic must have expectations no more than incrementally higher than the individual's current ability.

On Yelling at Others

I don't like it when someone yells at me (because it makes me feel bad), so I shouldn't yell at others. That means that yelling is not a courteous thing to do. But it's OK with me if someone says, "It made me very angry when you did/said such-and-such," because then they are just telling me about their feelings, and if I care about their feelings, I can choose to alter my behavior towards them.

On Name-Calling

I don't like it when someone calls me a name or tells me what I am or otherwise slanders my character. So I shouldn't call others names or otherwise label their character. That means that name-calling is not a courteous thing to do. But it's OK with me if someone says, "When you did/said thus-and-so, I felt that you were acting like a [character-name]."

On Telling Others What They Feel

I don't like it when others tell me what my feelings are (because they can't know my feelings unless I disclose them), so I shouldn't tell others what they feel. That means that stating the other person's feelings is not a courteous thing to do. But its OK with me if someone says, "Do you feel this-way or that?", because then they are just inquiring about my feelings, and if I trust them and feel that they care, I can choose to tell them what I feel.

On Deciding Whether Any Behavior is Courteous

If I am not sure whether some behavior is courteous, I just have to ask myself, "How would I feel if someone acted that way toward me?" If it would make me feel good, it's (probably) a courteous thing to do. If it would make me feel bad, it's (probably) a rude thing to do. But sometimes it depends on where I am in my mental (emotional and intellectual) growth. So the right thing to do is to ask the other person how they feel about being treated that way. And if they say they don't mind (or would prefer it), then it is OK to treat them differently than you would have them treat you. But as they mature, their feeling about that treatment may change, so one has to be aware of changing feelings.