A Thousand Clowns by Moulton and Moonbeam Chapter 1 A Tale of Two Fools Once upon a time there were two fools. No one knew if they were lovers or rivals because the subtext analysis was just too damn subtle even for Moulton to figure out. They dressed as clowns. One wore an Emmett Kelley face, with a single tear running down her cheek. No one knew what the other clown looked like cuz he never sat still long enough for anyone to get a bead on him. Mebbe he looked like Zippy the Pinhead, but in this business costume changes are a dime a dozen. Anyway, he was manic as hellmouth, running hither and yon, honking his horn like there was no tomorrow. Well, actually, no one was sure if there was gonna be a tomorrow. The yesterdays had been getting grimmer and grimmer by the century. Nobody was laughing much anymore because the whole land was being laid waste by a rising tide of parody. Everyone wanted parity. And so parody was ratcheting up, tackling more and more sensitive subjects, in search of ever new material. The people dissed everyone, all the way from the President of the United States down to the lowliest nerds at Slashdot. No one was safe from dissing. There were just two things that had not yet been parodied in the wicked culture of comedy. One was the Big War and the other was the Little War. The Big Boys fought in the Big War and the little kids fought in the little war, which was so little it was practically invisible. They called it the Chilly War, because everybody was trying to chill out everyone else. It wasn't working. It was worse than Narnia under the Ice Queen. You know -- the one with those insufferable Turkish Delights. Anyway, the two fools (or clowns if you didn't look past their makeup) decided that they would start a Battle of Mirth on Earth, enlisting 1000 clowns to join the fray. Chapter 2 Here Comes the Judge The two fools opened the Mirthful Circus and began their act, which they hadn't written yet, so neither of them knew what the other was doing. One fool wore an Emmett Kelley costume with a single tear. She reflected the sadness of the world. The other looked like Zippy the Pinhead, running around like a maniac, making merry. All of a sudden, Emmett stopped moving. Eventually Zippy noticed the lifeless body of Emmett and began to panic. Poor Emmett was dying of a broken heart. So Zippy got out his Resurrection Kit and the Jumper Tubes and feverishly began pumping heart juices from his heart to hers. But it was too late. Suddenly there were sirens blaring everywhere. The Keystone Cops arrived and made a big fuss. Chaos and confusion. They hauled poor Zippy off to the Jail of Bad Souls. Well you know what happened next. Zippy was brought before the judge. A very stern (and ugly) dood. "What were you doing?" he thundered. "Just playing. I didn't mean to hurt her." "He did it intentionally! He's out of control! We can't allow this kind of disruption!" the prosecutor roared. "Why did you kill her?" the prosecutor pounded. "Yes, why did you kill her?" the crowd roared. Over and over the questions came. Zippy stood frightened and mute, for he simply didn't know how to respond. Chapter 3 Interminable Introspection If he could have seen Emmett's face, Zippy might have a clue. Meantime, unbeknownst to Zippy, Emmett, quite alive but apparently invisible to those who don't suffer fools gladly, rides around the peanut gallery on her unicycle, sailing paper airplanes made from Really Bad Student Papers at the Geek Chorus while eating salted peanuts. Poor Emmett, lonely and sad. She is oblivious of Zippy's predicament in the Jail of Bad Souls, facing the interlocutors, unable to answer the question, "Why did you break Emmett's heart?" Do you suppose Zippy has any qualms about answering that? In one version, he could say he has qualms about that and would prefer to mourn his loss in peace. But if justice must be served, then Zippy will lose his freedom, become nauseous, disgusted and enraged at injustice, and commit violence, breaking the peace he was denied at the bar of justice. Only Zippy could say whether he has any qualms, and what anxiety has produced them. Emmett, unable to read minds, has no idea why Zippy has summoned the Keystone Cops and consigned himself to the Jail of Bad Souls. Once upon a time, Emmett used to follow Zippy when he went into dark caves. She brought a candle to light her way and help them both find the exits. But you know how dark caves are -- they're pitch black! And because the dark was so complete, Zippy saw the candle light as tractor beams and said it hurt his eyes, and ran deeper into his cave. What should Emmett do next? She has no clue. So she rides her unicycle and stays close by, watching for one. But what if Zippy doesn't even know that the funny feeling in his stomach is called a qualm, or what it means to mourn? What if the way Zippy learned language was to form sentences as complete thoughts? Here is a case where Zippy has no thought to express, and doesn't know anything about expressing emotions and desires instead of a thought. After all, Emmett is a mime. Desires are acted out and emotions are worn as costumery. So where does Zippy learn that the ill feeling in his tummy is called a qualm, and it's there because of being presented with an unanswerable question, and that the natural thing to do is mourn his grief and learn? Zippy knows neither he nor Emmett called the Keystone Cops to put him in the Jail of Bad Souls to face the Judge with unanswerable questions. All he knows is that he is isolated and alone and facing Judgment Day. So here is a dark cave, like all the others, except there is a gap between them. No bridge between two worlds. It's a dilemma. Emmett has lost Zippy and is alone. Zippy has lost Emmett and is alone. And neither know what to do or say. The only thing that can save Zippy is if he can face the Judge and say the truth. And the truth is, he has qualms about answering the question, "Why did you break Emmett's heart," and would prefer to mourn his grief in peace and learn to pay better attention. To be able to do that, Zippy must have learned somewhere along the way that he had that choice. But if the only model the culture presents is the Keystone Cops, the Stern Judge, damning accusations, no free will, no free speech, and no knowledge of emotions or their names, then he is in quite a pickle. Which is what happens when there is no Mirth Culture. Which is why Emmett is mute and sad. Zippy symbolizes the dilemma of the thinker/ worker. Emmett sybolizes the dilemma of the feeler/player. That seems to be one of many dramas that emerge from an integrated system model. It's fascinating. One can see the bogus cultural constructs that engender tragedy and the authentic knowledge to be learned which could save a soul from the damnable culture. Fascinating. Let's boogie. Copyleft 1999, Barsoom Tork Associates in Association with White Rabbit Enterprises. This story may be freely edited, revised or enlarged, as long as it's entirely mirthful and offensive to no one except the Cabal of Control Freaks who can't stomach such creative gibberish. Extra credit for healing medicine. No credit for Amanitas.